Intention

It has been awhile, fellow readers! I sincerely hope this finds you all well, and safe during this bizarre time in our world.

One would think during this time of self-isolation, that a writer would do nothing but write! My intentions were good, I assure you. Which leads to the title of this post, intention. What does it mean to have an intention?

When this pandemic started, when self-isolation was mandated, I had all of these ideas and plans of things that I intended to do. Paint cabinets, finish quilts, clean my home to sterile standards….every single day. All good, right?  Each day however, got away. All the days became this mashed up blur; day became night, night became day, seemingly without order…sweatpants, cardigan, messy bun all on repeat. Every day. I did finish a quilt. I did make a lot of COVID masks. I have been drinking A LOT of coffee, and I did paint two cabinets. The rest, just went however the day went.

This last year has been a year of growth, change, and actualization for me. It has had ups and downs; hairpin turns, switchbacks, and sudden stops. I came to this realization, that I was going through all of this growth, all of this change, but what exactly was my intention? I know, I know, duh…right? I was busy doing and taking in all of the “things,” allowing the change, but the change of what? To what? For what?

I stopped, and I gave this idea much thought and consideration. The idea of “intention.” I had to empty my mind of everything. I had to stop the thoughts, the ideas, the everything. For those of you who have kids, or have experience with kid, you know chattering in the middle of you trying to say something important tat occurs? THAT was my mind. I had to use my “outdoor-mom voice,” and yell…..SHUT UP! Finally, my inner voice, my real inner voice spoke…Full disclosure, I have not heard her speak in a very, very long time. She said to me, Tara, what is that you WANTWhat is it that you LIKE? Huh? I thought…actually said “huh,” out loud. Do you want to know something? I could not answer. I could not answer my own question. I am 44 years old, and I cannot answer such a simple question. It is a moment, that I believe, will define me moving forward.

So my intention…my intention, is to find out when I forgot what I wanted in life, when did I abandon, or start to ignore the things that I enjoy. I need to know when this happened, and then, the why. From that point, I can then re-establish the pursuit of my “wants and likes.”

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